We Can Help Each Other

It had been a hard day at work, and I was tired and hungry. I didn’t even bother to flick the light switches as I walked down the long front hallway.

I dropped my bag into the chair, hung my coat on the invisible hook, and walked mindlessly into the dark kitchen. A collision with the unexpectedly wide-open pantry door startled me to attention. I mumbled angrily and massaged my wounded forehead. With my next step, I slipped in something crunchy on the floor and nearly landed flat on my back. When I finally got the light on, a confusing site met me. It looked like a crime scene.

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Five Years

Last week marked the five-year anniversary of my husband’s death.

How can that possibly be?

Wasn’t it just yesterday morning he brought me coffee in bed, and yesterday afternoon we argued about dirty dishes in the sink? Wasn’t it last night he gently scratched my head until I fell asleep, and I woke to him snoring beside me?

If you’ve read along with me these past few years, you’ve probably noticed my grief slowly change. I can think of Neil now without my heart feeling like a wet dishrag being squeezed and twisted. I can remember the good times without tears. The rose-colored glasses of memory have slowly returned to clear lenses that show our life together wasn’t perfect.  Even so, not a day goes by when I don’t miss him.  

What’s my advice to the Colleen of five years ago? Here are my thoughts:

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Seven Wise Teachings We Should All Remember

Tomorrow would have been Neil’s 62nd birthday. It’s nice to think of him today and smile without tears. He wasn’t perfect like me (lol) but he sure did have his good points. He was the most generous person I ever met– he would give away his shirt if someone else needed it – and in fact, on several occasions, did just that. He was level-headed and calm and loved to laugh – even when his jokes weren’t funny. And he had a remarkable wisdom that I didn’t always appreciate at the time. This is an old post, but it seems appropriate to resurrect it:

Neil had a way of teaching me things. Sometimes I learned from him, other times I learned because of him, but in retrospect he was pretty wise. Here are seven of his great life lessons we should all remember.

1. Don’t be afraid. Be reasonable, but don’t be afraid – to try something new, to go somewhere alone, to make a new friend, to do what you want.

2. Be compassionate to everyone – young people, old people, tattooed people, long-haired people, smokers, drinkers, drug users, folks in jail  – because underneath it all they’re just people like us. No one is perfect, and every one of us is human and flawed, yet God loves us all. We should love each other.

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The Camino Trail Part 3: What I Brought Home

Last month I had the incredible experience of hiking the Camino de Santiago in Spain. Here’s the third installment about the adventure!

People talk about leaving something behind on the Camino: grief or anger or other emotional baggage that weighs them down.  I wondered if my walk would uncover something I needed to abandon in order to happily move forward. Oddly, I don’t think I left anything behind, but I did bring something back: fresh eyes for my everyday pilgrimage.

Can you tell which is which?
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How Do I Get Through This?

“How am I going to get through this?” my friend asked, as quiet tears slid down her weary-eyed face. There was no easy answer for her question, so I just reached across the table and held her hand.

The odd thing was that she was the fourth person lately who asked that same question. My guess is that each of us has asked it before, probably more than once. Between the grief of a husband’s sudden death, the loss of a miscarriage, a terrifying health diagnosis, and unexpected marital separations, it seems I know a lot of people who are struggling. I have been thinking about how I survived when Neil died. Here’s some thoughts.

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