Tag: control

The Lifelong Challenge: To Love, Not Control

/ colleen arnold / 8 Comments

It was a hot, hazy August day in Virginia Beach, and one that taught me a lesson about my impossible desire to be in control.

Neil, Gina and I were on a mini-vacation before she started kindergarten. We had a cozy base camp on the beach with chairs and umbrellas, a well-stocked cooler and a giant pail of sand toys. We even invited a babysitter along, so Neil and I could truly relax.

At one point, I realized Gina and the sitter weren’t anywhere in sight. “Neil, do you see Lisa and Gina?” He scoured the shoreline but couldn’t see them either. “They probably just went on a walk to look for shells. They’ll be right back,” he said calmly as he popped a beer can and settled back into his beach chair.

After about 15 minutes they still hadn’t reappeared, and I got worried. “I’m going to look for them,” I told Neil, and headed off in the direction I last saw them.  Along the way I saw plenty of 5-year-olds picking up shells and building castles with imaginative abandon, but no Gina. I saw plenty of teenagers splashing tentatively on the shore, discretely checking around to see who was watching them. No Lisa. Continue reading →

Lord, I Don’t Want To Worry, But…

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Recently a strange and unexpected thing happened in the cemetery. It reminded me once again that worry does not do a bit of good!

I believe that Neil’s ashes belong in holy ground, not on a shelf or scattered, but it took a while for me to decide where that holy spot would be. Only recently, I chose a local cemetery plot, and our priest blessed it and stood with me as Neil was buried. Until I select a permanent tombstone, the grave is adorned with only a simple marker. Even so, it’s a lovely spot: peacefully quiet, shaded by a dogwood tree, and close to other people we knew.  I’ve developed a habit of strolling through the cemetery after church, and it has become a comforting ritual.

On one such evening, I saw from a distance bare earth where I estimated Neil’s grave should be. Hoping it was just the summer sun playing tricks on my eyes, I hurried ahead. Nope, there was the marker, right in the middle of bare, dry earth where last week had been green grass. Continue reading →

When We Don’t Do the Good We Want

/ colleen arnold / 6 Comments

I carted my sweet dog, Buddy, to the veterinarian last week for a checkup. He hates the car, and usually whimpers before I even turn the key to start the engine, but that day he was oddly happy. He let the breeze blow across his face and sniffed happily at all the scents we passed. As soon as we got into the office, though, the whining started as if he had been saving it up. It got louder and louder until it became a long, drawn-out, pitiful howl. And it kept going, and going and going…

Other animals looked at him with alarm and concern. Other pet parents stepped back, envisioning with the scene they knew could materialize at any minute. He forcefully resisted the ten steps to the exam room with every bit of his 35 dense pounds. He refused to allow himself to be lifted onto the exam table, and he nipped at the vet’s hand as she reached out to pet him. By that point the howling had ceased and been replaced by the most threatening snarl a dachshund’s cute face could muster. Continue reading →