“How am I going to get through this?” my friend asked, as quiet tears slid down her weary-eyed face. There was no easy answer for her question, so I just reached across the table and held her hand.
The odd thing was that she was the fourth person lately who asked that same question. My guess is that each of us has asked it before, probably more than once. Between the grief of a husband’s sudden death, the loss of a miscarriage, a terrifying health diagnosis, and unexpected marital separations, it seems I know a lot of people who are struggling. I have been thinking about how I survived when Neil died. Here’s some thoughts.
First, I took my time. I am an introvert and seeing patients at work took every ounce of “social” I had. My friends and family know me well enough to know I periodically need to lock myself in my house to regroup. Don’t be in a hurry; do what you need to and skip the rest.
Second, I gradually accepted that I was not alone. Jesus was with me through it all. He doesn’t (usually) take away our problems but He stands beside us and holds us though them. Even though I would have never chosen the losses I’ve suffered, I admit they made me and my faith much stronger.
I also learned to accept two very basic facts of human life: there is no perfect and nothing lasts forever. I will never have a perfect life this side of heaven. And when I have someone or something that is wonderful, I need to enjoy it in the moment because in the next moment it could be gone. This realization can lead down two very different paths. It can make me anxious and greedy, holding on and controlling everyone and everything in my life, worried and fearful in the knowledge that I could lose them.
The other path is one of grateful acceptance. It’s a conscience daily awareness of all the blessings in my life, and an understanding that everything is a gift and that nothing is really “mine.” It requires looking out at the world instead of looking in at myself, with an attitude of seeing the good God can bring out of even the worst tragedy. He doesn’t cause those tragedies, but I believe He does use them to share lessons of faith, and paradoxically, joy.
Before Neil died, I never noticed all the different birds chirping outside our window because the noise was drowned out but the voice in my head habitually planning my day. I never watched the work of a spider or savored a ripe peach, letting the juice drip onto my chin because I was in a hurry to get to the next thing on my to-do list. After he died, the pain opened my eyes to the life that I was hurrying through, up until then always assuming my future would work out just as I planned. Now I know that life doesn’t work like that.
So, how do you get through this – whatever your “this” is?
You give yourself time. I wish it could happen overnight, but I bet it won’t.
You remember that God is with you. He might take away your pain, but more likely He’ll simply walk with you through it. Fix that picture firmly in your heart and your brain.
You relax your grip on the people and things in your life. No matter how much you want to control the world to protect them, you can’t. But even better than your grip is God’s, and He can hold them for you.
You zoom in on every little blessing and live this one imperfect but wonderful day. Don’t rush through it. Nothing lasts forever and tomorrow today will be gone. Take nothing and no one for granted.
St Paul says it better: I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things, I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need. I have the strength of everything through Him who empowers me (Philippians 4: 11-13).
My friends, I hope these words help at least a little. We are all different, unique in our ways, so none of these thoughts may be right for you. If you have any suggestions on “how to get through this” please share in the comments below.
colleen
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Each person grieves in their own way and in their own time. There is a blessing in knowing we are not alone. God provides His peace and comfort.
Thanks Melissa, the thought that God is always waking with us really does give me comfort.
Well said, Colleen. Thank you for reminding us. We miss you in Yoga!
Thanks – I really miss yoga class too! One of these days I’ll get back….
I “think” I have acquired my Pauline thorn in the damned death of my sweet wife.
Paul spoke of his thorn and living on with it.
I believe it will be plucked out someday (soon I hope).
Oh Zac, It never goes away, but it does get easier – even thoough sometimes you don’t want it to get easier because you don’t want to forget….
Thanks for sharing. There are many many ways that this touches people. Thank you for keeping up the fight.
Thanks for reading, Kiersten!
Another timely reflection as I accompany my mother through her journey with Alzheimer’s. There are days when she feels like a stranger to me. I find myself briefly annoyed….until I stop, and look deep into her eyes, and a glimmer of the mother I remember while growing up shines through.
Hi Percita, Alzheimer’s is such a tough disease. I’m glad you can still see glimmers of your mom in her eyes, but even when you don’t, you know you’ll always be able to find her in your heart.
Always an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Thanks, Dawn!
Colleen, Thank you so much for sharing. I remember when my son Ryan passed away and people would ask that same question. I never knew how to answer but I just kept going. I caused a lot of agony in my family because I was so afraid of loosing them. The grip that I tried so hard to loosen always seem to tighten every time I felt the least bit out of control. If I could change one thing about that journey it would be to relax that grip and embrace what I had remaining.
Hi Kim, I like your point about embracing what you had remaining; its such a good one. Sometimes we miss out on what we have because we’re distracted by what we don’t. I’ve got to stop doing that!
Hi Colleen, beautiful as always. There have been times (more than once) when I have found myself feeling sorry for my situation (quadriplegic husband, 94 year old mom living with us following two hip fractures) and I feel like it’s not fair. But then I see the smile on mom’s face when I come home from work or when she sees me upon waking up in the morning. I hold close all the times my husband and I have together when it was never expected he would live this long. And most importantly, I’m grateful that God is giving me the patience I need each and every day to walk this journey – because I’ve never been a patient person but He is here with me for each and every step.
Blessings,
Mary
Hi Mary, I don’t like the saying, “God never gives us more than we can handle.” It seems unfair to the strong people like you! But I do believe God never gives us more than HE can handle. I’m glad you are feeling His strength and finding the blessings despite the struggles!
Colleen, I stumbled upon your blog. Your posts are so thoughtful. I will be returning here to read what you have to say.
Hi Latha, welcome! Glad you found us!
This was lovely Colleen. Thank you.
Thanks for reading, Marc!